Looking for Love in Several Wrong Places
by Balin Lord of Moria
Summary: Drabble novelization of Leisure Suit Larry Goes Looking for Love in Several Wrong Places. Eve rejects Larry, and he rejoins the swinger scene while unwittingly foiling a sinister KGB plot at the same time. Rated T for some nudity, language, and a little sex.
1. A Reality Check

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Leisure Suit Larry Goes Looking for Love in Several Wrong Places_. Al Lowe and Sierra On-Line made it and own it.

* * *

**_A Reality Check_**

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Larry Laffer was busy mowing the lawn of his new girlfriend's house. It felt so good to have true love, and he was looking forward to a long life with her. Then, Eve, his girl, arrived home in her car, looked at him, and said, "Who the hell are you, and why are you mowing my lawn?!"

Shocked and surprised, Larry told her his name and about that night they spent together in Lost Wages. She vaguely recalled it, but angrily told him that it was just a one night stand, and she had never intended to make him her permanent lover. She taunted him, saying that she was leaving for five minutes, and she expected him to clear out all his stuff and get lost by the time she was back. Then she drove off in a huff and a puff, leaving Larry wondering what he had done to deserve such rejection, not to mention such loss of romance.


	2. Back to the Old Drawing Board

**_Back to the Old Drawing Board_**

* * *

Oh, well. It looked like Larry Laffer was back out on the streets again, without a lover. He wondered what to do. He decided that he'd have to return to his old role as a swinger and try to find someone else good enough for him. There must be somebody out there who would love him for who he was, and for more than a one night stand. He also decided that he'd better hightail it out of Eve's property before she came back and got really aggressive. But first he wanted to take a quick look in the garage.

There wasn't much to see there besides what was normally found in a garage, but he found a one dollar bill in an old jeans pocket that belonged to Eve. Questioning the morality of taking it at first, he decided taking it was the least Eve could do for him after all she hadn't done for him. Then he went to explore the city.


	3. Grasping at Straws

**_Grasping at Straws_**

* * *

Los Angeles was a lot cleaner and more orderly than Lost Wages, but it lacked the glitter and glamor. Still, the skyscrapers and other metal buildings were quite shiny and handsome. It was a nice place to explore, too. One section of the city looked like it belonged in _Space Quest IV: The Coarsegold Encounter_.

Larry went to look for something he could buy for just a dollar. His first stop was a drug store called "Swabs Drugs," where the pharmacist was presently out, and a clerk ran the store. Larry looked at the young clerk. He found women sexy. Too bad this clerk wasn't one! He didn't look very bright, either.

Larry asked him if there was anything in the store that cost a dollar or less. The clerk said "No," in a dull voice. "Oh well," thought Larry, "Let's try somewhere else."


	4. It's a Gamble

**_It's a Gamble_**

* * *

Next stop was a Quikie Mart convenience store, a staple in every big city Larry had ever been to. Inside, the usual assortment of snacks, desserts, and drinks filled the space. A large soda dispenser also graced the store. The only thing Larry could find that cost a dollar was the lotto tickets. The lotto tickets! It was a big gamble, but Larry was at the end of his tether, and he needed to get lucky at any cost. Besides, he was a gambling man, and he knew when to bet and when not to.

He bought a ticket from the clerk, an attractive cowgirl with a Southern drawl in her voice, scratched off the numbers, and put it through the auto teller machine next to the tickets. The cowgirl wished him luck with the lottery. Thanking her, Larry decided to go immediately down to the KROD TV Station, where they were going to air the Lucky Life Lottery show, and see if he was lucky or not.


	5. A Familiar Place

**_A Familiar Place_**

* * *

On his way to the KROD TV Studio, Larry passed through an alley that looked very similar to the one he encountered in Lost Wages in his last adventure, complete with a dumpster and everything. The only differences were that it was daytime now, and apparently there was no sign of his big, burly friend who tried to mug him.

Since this alley was apparently safe to explore, he looked around a little. There was nothing in the dumpster this time. What did he expect? A passport? But there was a hole in a wooden wall in the back of the alley, and he looked through it out of curiosity. Behind it, people were playing _Police Quest_. How he wished he were one of them! He decided to stop loitering around and get on to the studio.


	6. I Win! I'm Lucky!

**_I Win! I'm Lucky!_**

* * *

Larry finally reached the KROD Studio. At the receptionist desk inside, he found a dull woman sitting there popping bubble gum. She may have been dull, but she was still good-looking to Larry Laffer. He greeted her in his usual swingin' way, and she greeted him back courteously. He offered her the lotto ticket and asked her if it was lucky. She said that she remembered the Lucky Life Lottery Luck-O Buck-O numbers, but she had misplaced her glasses, so she couldn't read the ticket, so she asked him to read off the numbers to her.

Larry obliged her gladly, reading off each of the six numbers accurately. To Larry's shock and delight, the receptionist said every number was exactly right. He was the winner of the Luck-O Buck-O Lottery! He was back on his feet again! She told him the Luck-O Buck-O show was on right now, and for him to hurry to the green room in the back and wait to be admitted in. Larry accepted, and tried not to be bothered by her crack about being on live TV in front of millions of people.


	7. A Surprise

**_A Surprise_**

* * *

The "green room" was well decorated, but there was nothing green in it to Larry's observant eyes. There were two doors across from each other, and a bench. He took a seat on the bench and waited. Soon, one of the doors opened and a funny-looking man walked out and greeted him. His accent reminded Larry of that wacky convenience store clerk from Lost Wages. He said that they had been waiting for him for some time now, and for him to hurry up and get on-stage. Larry eagerly got up and walked into the television studio.

To his surprise, though, this show didn't look like a lottery show. In fact, the announcer announced that it was called "The Dating Connection." The announcer also referred to the host as Biff Barf. What the heck was a name like "Biff Barf?" Larry couldn't figure out what he was doing here instead of on the lottery show, but he chose to go along with it; maybe he could get doubly lucky and win a new girlfriend!


	8. One Clueless Bachelorette

**_One Clueless Bachelorette_**

* * *

Biff introduced the Dating Connection's lucky lady, Barbara Bimbo, from Airhead, California. Larry was introduced as bachelor number two, but they got his name wrong, Raguka something-or-other! He corrected them, and Biff called him Raguka Larry. He also introduced bachelor number one, Davie Blair, and bachelor number three, A. P. Wire. Apparently, Barbara's hobbies included computer programming, making exotic milkshakes, and tantalizing older men. Sounded like Larry's kind of girl!

Barbara proceeded to ask Davie her first question: what to do if they were driving on a date and the car broke down, and they had to walk and she broke a heel on the way? Larry began to wonder if this "Bimbo" was retarded, especially what with her less-than-well-educated English. Davie said not to worry, they'd drive in his perfect Porsche; and if it did break down, he would lift her up and carry her to their destination in his strong arms. Lame. But Barbara loved it, and called Davie a stud!


	9. She's Stuck-Up, Too!

**_She's Stuck-Up, Too!_**

* * *

Next, Barbara asked Larry the same question. Larry, not sure of the best answer off the top of his head, suggested the practical answer: a car jack. She proceeded to call him names and demanded to know who let him in there. Larry blushed. Oops! You blew that one, Larry!

Then she asked A. P. Hill the question last. He said that she wouldn't have to worry about going anywhere, because they'd spend all their time in his highly-expensive, beachfront, swinging bachelor apartment, where he and she would really get to know each other well. Barbara grinned and said that bachelor number three was bachelor number one in her heart.

Larry wished he had thought of that one. Too late now!


	10. I Win Again!

**_I Win Again!_**

* * *

Bachelorette Barbara asked another, lamer question. What kind of insect would Davie be and what kind of flower would she be? He said he would be a butterfly and she would be a buttercup, and together they'd make a garden of love. She gushed with ecstasy again.

She was reluctant to ask Larry another question, but the rules said she had to ask it to him, so she did. Larry blurted out on a whim, "Flying bear and you're a tulip?" "What planet beamed this retard down?" she wondered out loud. Finally, A. P. answered by saying she'd be an American Beauty rose and he'd be a bumblebee. She gushed with infatuation yet again.

Biff Barf suddenly announced that they had no more time for more questions, and it was time for Barbara to pick her favorite bachelor. She wrote it down on a card and excitedly presented her decision to him. To everyone's surprise, Biff read off, "Bachelor number two, Raguka Larry!"


	11. More Surprises

**_More Surprises_**

* * *

Larry couldn't believe his ears! Neither could Barbara, for that matter. She started raving about how she meant to choose A. P. Hill, but Biff stated firmly that she wrote down number two, and that her first decision was final. He laid out the prize they had won: a one-month cruise over the South Pacific on the U.S.S. Love Tub! Larry was ecstatic this time; Barbara may not be very smart, but she sure was something in the looks department. As for Barbara, she continued to rant and rave about not spending a month with "this buffoon." Larry was told to go outside the studio and await his prize, which he did.

Evidently, the funny-voiced producer didn't like Larry much more than Barbara Bimbo did, and made that fact quite plain to Larry, but he still handed him his ticket for the cruise ship and wished him good luck. "You'll need it!" Suddenly, after he left, the other door in the green room opened and a lady stepped out. She wanted to know where Larry had been, stating that the Luck-O Buck-O Lottery had been ready for him for some time, and they were getting impatient trying to find him. Smiling at his double luck, Larry followed her to the other studio where the lotto show was being filmed.


	12. Gold! Millions!

**_Gold! Millions!_**

* * *

Larry entered the Lucky Life Lottery studio, where the announcer told the audience that at last, their last lucky winner of that season of LLL had arrived, and that it was time for him to spin the lottery wheel. Large playing cards decorated the wall where "Luck-O Buck-O" was hanging from. The MC quietly admonished Larry for being late as he stepped up to the multi-colored wheel, and spun it. The wheel span rapidly, until it stopped, and the MC said excitedly that Larry Laffer had won the greatest prize in lottery history: a million dollars for life!

Larry couldn't believe his good fortune as a young woman named Lanna Light handed him a giant million-dollar bill. Again, Larry was congratulated for his luck, and again he was wished well by the MC. He left the studio expecting photographers and reporters, but nobody was there. Maybe they were late, or maybe the MC was bluffing. Either way, Larry was glad they weren't there to waste his time. His time before his cruise ship left was limited.


	13. Change for a Million

**_Change for a Million_**

* * *

Before going to the ship, there were a few things Larry wanted to get within the town. First, he wanted to get a bathing suit. This was first because he knew of a clothing purveyor called "Molto Lira" that accepted change for very large sums of money; maybe the clerk would give him change for a million.

At Molto Lira, Larry found a sale in the back, where swimsuits were at half price. He browsed them until he found a tight, blue spandex suit that looked just right for him. He went over to the lovely-looking Italian lady who served as the clerk and asked to buy it, remembering to ask for change for a million. She said the half-priced-off suit cost about $106,000. Talk about a rip-off price, and at half-off, too! She also took too long to count out his change. Knowing he didn't have time to have it all counted out, he just took a large wad of hundred dollar bills and the swimsuit, and left.


	14. A Fake Haircut

**_A Fake Haircut_**

* * *

Next, Larry wanted to get a haircut at Hairy Reams' Barber Shop. He had developed a bald spot on top of his head sometime before he began his swinging, and he hoped to have his hair styled in a better way to make him look younger. Maybe then Barbara would appreciate him more. A chair was available for him in the barber shop when he arrived, and the barber was ready to give him his do.

Hairy Reams prided himself on a special kind of hairstyling, and planned on using it on Larry, saying that he wouldn't even recognize his old-looking self when he was finished. During his haircut, Larry fantasized about his hair being thicker and his face more youthful, and of himself and Barbara running on the beach somewhere. Hairy complimented his daydreams dryly. _Wait, how did he know?_ Larry wondered. Finally, he was finished. Larry looked in the mirror and saw... nothing different. Oh well, he couldn't judge a book by its cover. He paid and thanked Hairy, and left the barber shop.


	15. Cruise Conveniences

**_Cruise Conveniences_**

* * *

Next stop was to return to Swabs Drugs. In there, Larry picked up some suntan lotion, thinking about what it would feel like with Barbara rubbing it on him. He announced his riches to the sleepy young man who was the clerk. The guy was no more or less excited than before. He complimented Larry blandly, accepted a two hundred dollar tip from him, and went back to sleep.

Then, he went back to the Quikie Mart. Something told him he would need some emergency backup fluids if an emergency happened, so he filled a giant soda cup with lots and lots of cola. It took a long time, but thankfully not so long that he ran out of time, and he purchased it and somehow pocketed it as was always possible in his adventures. Finally, he was curious to take a look in a music shop that was in town nearby. He noticed as he approached it that it was open for business, at last.


	16. Don't Forget Your Passport!

**_Don't Forget Your Passport!_**

* * *

Just then, though, Larry remembered that he wouldn't be able to leave the country without his passport, even with his ticket and his vast wealth, and he had left it at Eve's house, having forgotten to take it with him! He decided to go back to Eve's house for a minute or two and see if he could convince her to let him have it back, though he wasn't counting on it, based on Eve's previous attitude.

Eve's garage was closed and the house was locked, which probably meant she was home now. Disappointed, Larry was afraid he wouldn't be able to make the cruise after all. But then he noticed that Eve had brought out the trash. With a few traces of hope, Larry searched the cans. It smelled like road kill, but in one of the cans, he finally found his passport, and it was mostly clean besides the scent and in one piece. Relieved, Larry retraced his steps back to the music store.


	17. Spanish Musicology

**_Spanish Musicology_**

* * *

The store was apparently a musicology shop, Larry noticed. He entered it through the front door, and looked around at all the musical instruments. There was a pretty-looking lady behind the counter, and as usual, Larry decided to flirt with her. To his surprise, however, she greeted him in Spanish instead of English. "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?"

Larry's Spanish was a little dusty, but he replied in the same language, "Your ears remind me of whale breasts." Her face brightened, and she said, "Yes, but the moon is full, and you are a chihuahua." Puzzled and baffled by this statement, Larry tried to come on to her again. "My pencil in long, hard and yellow," he replied. Suddenly, she became excited, and asked him where he had been, because she had been waiting for him so long. He wondered what was up.


	18. A Clunk With an Onklunk

**_A Clunk With an Onklunk_**

* * *

The lady behind the counter, still speaking Spanish, told Larry something about a microfiche that had something to do with an American superconductor of some sort, and that it was concealed in a musical instrument called a Peruvian onklunk. It was to be delivered to Dr. Nonookee on Nontoonyt Island as quickly as possible, and the KGB of Russia were the only ones who should be watched out for. Finally, she put said onklunk on the counter for Larry to take.

Larry, needless to say, understood very little of her Spanish mumbo jumbo, but he decided to take the onklunk anyway, thinking it would be polite to do so. She said, in Spanish, "Have a nice day." Larry hadn't failed to notice that everybody who worked in a business had been saying that to him lately. Maybe this was his triply lucky day in that every businessman in town had something nice to say to him. He left the shop.

Outside, a really rad, "jumping" car was parked nearby, and a little man in a trenchcoat was watching Larry. Larry noticed only the funny car, though, and so didn't notice the man following him away from the store.


	19. A Sinister Plot

**_A Sinister Plot_**

* * *

Strangely enough, after Larry and the man tailgating him had left, another man who looked and was dressed _exactly_ like Larry came into the musicology shop! The lady behind the counter demanded to know (in English) why he was back, and to get on with the mission. The dorky-looking man didn't know what she was talking about, and told her so. She insisted that he just came in and left with the onklunk. Suddenly, he demanded to know if she gave the goods to someone else. This petrified her to no end.

She hastily explained that the guy she gave the goods to looked and sounded exactly like him, except that he had a terrible Spanish accent. She offered to contact Dr. Nonookee and clear up the matter with him. The angry dork told her that she had better get it right, because Dr. Nonookee didn't tolerate mistakes, and maybe she would live a few more days.

Now the KGB and a strange man named Dr. Nonookee were after the innocent swinger, Larry Laffer, who had no idea what he was in for!


	20. Bon Voyage!

**_Bon Voyage!_**

* * *

Meanwhile, Larry, believing he had everything he needed from the city, finally arrived at the gate to the ramp that led to the Love Tub. A man was standing behind the gate, and he looked like he was impatient for Larry to say what he was doing there. Larry quickly showed him his ticket and passport. The man sarcastically mocked Larry's photo and complained about the ticket being free, but grudgingly said that it wasn't Larry's fault. At last, he let Larry in, saying that he was just in time, because the ship was almost ready to depart. A familiar, "Have a nice day," came from the man's mouth.

On his way up the ramp, celebratory shouts and pieces of colored paper fell from the deck where passengers stood. He soon joined them, and as the ship sailed away from Los Angeles, Larry daydreamed about Bachelorette Barbara Bimbo's pretty face, and what sorts of ways she and he could please each other.


End file.
